Alli: You know, it has just occurred to me that we use That Guy differently. Your That Guy is a particular guy, whereas I stole that expression from a friend who uses it to describe any guy who fits his type particularly well. Like he would say, “He wears his hat backwards and goes ‘Wooo!’ because he’s That Guy,” but also “He wears a tux even when he doesn’t have to, because he’s That Guy.”

Sars: I think our use of That Guy is the same even if the Thatness covered by the Guy is different. My That Guy is pretty broad — mostly it’s that Wall Street gel-monkey type who has never had a female platonic friend in his life and doesn’t read.

Alli: Uch. Another reason to stay in the Midwest.

Sars: God, no kidding. But whenever a guy whom you initially think is cool winds up being the same kind of emotionally impacted schmuck you thought you’d dodged this time, there’s also the “ohhhhh NO . . . he’s THAT guy” locution.

Alli: Totally. I’ve gotten to the point where I almost never use it at all without that twinge of regret. “Are you That Guy? God, don’t be That Guy.”

Sars: And you think it even as they’re circling the drain.

Alli: Exactly. And it’s all just so unoriginal. I would at least like someone to come up with a new way of sucking. I’ve seriously had it with the quasi-dark-souled quasi-artistic Black Turtleneck Slacker, the Gore-Tex Vegetarian With Bicycle, the reigning King of Irony with his collection of Kool-Aid memorabilia, the balding (Swears He’s Not The Boring Kind Of) Computer Guy, the politically plugged-in Walking Necktie, and especially the Smirking Self-Professed Feisty-Girl-Liker who is secretly afraid of every woman except his mom.

Sars: Oh, man. And let’s not forget I’m Sensitive But Only So That I Can Get Laid Guy, I’m Truly Sensitive And Have No Balls As A Result Guy, Told He Was Cute Too Many Times In High School Guy, I Know Fuck-All About Your Internet Business Because I Read Forbes Once A Year Ago Guy, and What Do You Mean, You “Haven’t Seen” Koyaanisqatsi?? Guy.

Alli: Wait a minute, you took shit for not having seen Koyaanisqatsi?

Sars: I’m saying.

Alli: That’s really wrong.

Sars: I also forgot Defensive About Not Finishing College Guy.

Alli: Well, be glad you live in the wrong part of the country for Yes, In Fact I Did Kill That Myself Guy.

Sars: Ew.

Alli: But honestly, I’d take him over any member of the category of Self-Consciously Offbeat Guy. Like Guy Who Prefers Fat Elvis, Guy Who Thinks The Best Woody Allen Movie Was Small Time Crooks, and Guy Who Thinks O.J. Might Be Innocent.

Sars: Is there a guy who prefers Fat Elvis?

Alli: Yes. See how offbeat he is?

Sars: Please.

Alli: Oh, believe it. He’s no slave to culture’s whims. And actually, in that sense, he’s related to Oh, I Don’t Watch TV Guy.

Sars: Doesn’t Watch TV Guy sucks.

Alli: As does his equally pretentious friend Oh, I Only Watch HBO Dramas Guy. Who is actually I Swear To God I Only Watch HBO Dramas Guy — as in, “I don’t know why my TiVo keeps suggesting things on Animal Planet, because I Swear To God I Only Watch HBO Dramas.”

Sars: And you know he watches Animal Detectives.

Alli: Hee. Totally. On the other hand, all viewing habits can be trouble. I’m no fan of The Rise Of Chandler Made Me Hopeful That I Might One Day Have Sex Again Guy, or Constantly Trying To Recreate The Costner Bull Durham Speech Guy.

Sars: Those guys all grate. So does I’ll Pick A Fight With You Because Girls Love That Guy. But in the disappointments department, there’s none more crushing than Appears Normal, But Then Says Really Gooey Things While Kissing You That Make You Squirm In Embarrassment For Him Guy.

Alli: I’m actually squirming in embarrassment for him right now.

Sars: And when you’re kissing him? MUCH WORSE.

Alli: Ouch. But at least you can feel sorry for Gooey Kissing Remarks Guy, unlike the contempt you have to feel for, say, Unsuccessful Attempts At Growing Facial Hair Guy.

Sars: Like it’s a skill.

Alli: And don’t even get me started on Talks To His Ex On His Cell Phone Four Times A Day Guy. Oh, and Have I Casually Mentioned My SAT Scores Guy. Ooh, I hate that guy.

Sars: And let’s not forget Well, We Haven’t Gotten Around To Getting A Divorce Guy.

Alli: But hey, it’s only a matter of time, he swears. And in the meantime, Not-Yet-Divorced Guy passes the time having drinks with Maybe If We Just Get It Out Of Our Systems We Can Both Return To Monogamy Unscathed Guy.

Sars: It’s nice, the way he tries to help.

Alli: And they play racquetball with The Many Chicks Who Dig My Irresistible Ass Make Up My Crown Of Thorns Guy.

Sars: Oh, no, it’s all rugby nowadays. They play rugby with I Do The Outdoorsy Thing Because It Prevents Me From Sobbing Like A Little Girl About My Hairline Guy.

Alli: Who isn’t fooling anyone.

Sars: No. And also at the rugby game? You’d Better Like My Friends Because You’ll Never See Me Without Them Guy.

Alli: And after rugby, it’s off to visit the one guy they couldn’t get to come out with them — I Don’t Quite Live With My Parents But I Have All Their Old Furniture Guy, who slept in through the rugby game while his roommate, Gets All His Current Events Information From Watching Fox News While Eating Froot Loops Guy, kicked back in the living room.

Sars: Right next to I Can’t Have Conversations With People Who Don’t Smoke Pot Guy, who’s fixing his bong with pieces of a broken stereo.

Alli: And he’s the younger brother of Repeats But Does Not Comprehend Or Accurately Attribute Deep Thoughts Guy, whose acoustic guitar case says “I DON’T BELIEVE IN BEATLES, I JUST BELIEVE IN ME — FERRIS BUELLER.”

Sars: A close relative of Surely You Don’t Listen To The Corporate Schlock Masquerading As Pop Music These Days You’re Such A Sheep Of Convention Guy.

Alli: Who has no friends.

Sars: But is a close spiritual brother to Tolerate My Obscure and Painful Jazz Collection Guy.

Alli: Oh, and he hangs out at Whole Foods with the Four Horsemen of the Capitalist Apocalypse: I Can Taste The Tears Of The Downtrodden In Every Cup Of Starbucks Coffee Guy, Can’t Read Anything Purchased At A Non-Unionized Bookstore Guy, Guy With A Strange Preoccupation With Trash-Talking Pottery Barn, and Guy Who Thinks The Biggest Problem Facing Today’s Progressive Is Browser Compatibility.

Sars: He’s fighting the real enemy.

Alli: By cleaving to Netscape 4.7.

Sars: Yeah, That Guy. I Am An Endless Series Of Lectures On Organic Produce And The Pharmaceutical Cartel Guy. Also may manifest as What’s Funny About Hemp Clothing? Guy.

Alli: Exactly. And he has no idea that he is actually just as boring as his arch-nemesis, Just Let Me Take This Emergency Conference Call On My Cell Phone Headset While I’m Buying A Sesame Seed Bagel Guy.

Sars: Who is often confused with, but does not share entirely the same genetic coding as, I Incorporate Lines From Wall Street Into My Everyday Speech With No Irony Whatsoever Guy.

Alli: Who is, in turn, often mistaken for Can’t Order A Drink Without Consulting Esquire To See Whether Martinis Are Still Cool This Week Guy.

Sars: ARGH! I cannot abide that guy. And he’s always friends with No, He Likes You, He Just Doesn’t, Um, Talk Much Guy, who usually turns out to be Bitter, Jaded, Bad Poet Who Thinks “Kissing” Means “Drenching A Woman’s Jaw In Saliva” Guy.

Alli: And it’s not like he offers you a towel.

Sars: Of course not. And now, let’s all wave to Has No Sense Of Humor About Getting Salsa On His Pants Guy.

Alli: How can you have no sense of humor about that? It’s salsa! It’s your pants!

Sars: And yet he’s unamused.

Alli: That seems impossible.

Regina: And let’s rip a page out of our books for I’m An Asshole And Therefore It Gives Me A Right To ACT Like An Asshole Guy, shall we?

Sars: Oh, hey!

Alli: I’m so glad you’re here. And just in time to call out I’m An Asshole Guy.

Regina: Well, and that I’m An Asshole Guy is not to be confused with I’m An Asshole Who Doesn’t Deserve Love Except I So Do Because I Really Just Need The Right Woman To Redeem Me But You Are SO Not That Woman Guy.

Alli: All the I Declare My Asshole-ness As A Self-Defense Guys can go die. What are they, going through customs? “Anything to declare?” “Why yes, I’m an asshole.”

Sars: “Oh, well, thank you for letting us know. Have a lovely visit.”

Alli: In fact, they can die right next to unhumored salsa-pants, who also is usually I Turn Into A Really Angry Drunk After Half A Beer Guy. He’s all, “What the fuck are you laughin’ at? My fuckin’ pants are not fuckin’ funny! I can’t fuckin’ put these in the fuckin’ washer! They’re going to have to be fuckin’ dry cleaned! Where’s the rest of my fuckin’ beer?”

Sars: Ooh, and you know who I forgot earlier? Acts Really Normal About Your Breakup At The Time, Then Holds It Over You For The Rest Of Your Natural Goddamn Lives Guy. And of course, everyone’s favorite, You Don’t Respond To My Crappy Pickup Lines, So You Must Be One Of Those Lesbians Guy.

Alli: Aaaand I’ll throw in Much-Too-Late Confession Of Past Love That Only Appeared To Be Complete Boredom Guy, Wouldn’t You Like To Stay On As My Emergency Backup Girl While I Date A Series Of Obviously Unsuitable Women Guy, and my personal favorite, I Only Tell You How Much You Suck For Your Own Good Guy.

Regina: He sucks. And I don’t at all say that for his own good.

Alli: And no matter how much those guys suck on a much more profound level, I still have plenty of energy left to hate Unreasonably Competitive About The Company Softball League Guy. And that’s not even mentioning the lowest of the low, Always Blames The Receptionist Guy.

Sars: Oh, he is low. I Work In The Film Industry (Read: I Load Film) Guy is nearly as low.

Alli: And he doesn’t even make as much money as most of the rest of the members of the general grouping of Meaningless Job Title Guys. Like Associate Project Manager Guy, Associate Team Leader Guy, Technical Analyst II Guy, and Operations Assistant Guy. They all wear Dockers, and no one knows what they do.

Sars: They lead the team!

Alli: They assist the operations!

Sars: They associate with the people who manage the projects!

Regina: Yes, but they’re nothing compared to I Am Writing The Great American Novel So You Can Get The Check Guy or I’m A Bike Messenger Because I Like The Freedom It Offers And Not Because I’m A College Dropout With No Other Skills Unless You Count Reloading The Bong While Blindfolded Guy.

Alli: Ah, yes. Nobly representing all members of the Holy Brotherhood of Not Selling Out To The Man, including but not limited to Plans To Make His Living Selling The Contents Of His Closet On Ebay Guy, Thinks You’re “Even” If You Pay For Dinner And He Brings You A Colorful Street Pebble Guy, Has A BS (And I Do Mean BS) From The University Of Life Guy, and other Guys Whose Parents Should Obviously Have Forced Them To Work In Food Service Or Retail.

Sars: Fucking Street Pebble Guy. Only It’s Your Pets Or Me Guy is more loathed.

Alli: There are guys who think you’re going to give up the cats?

Sars: I told you he was loathed. Him, and I Can’t Rinse A Goddamn Dish At Your House, But If You Put A Beer Down On My Crappy IKEA Coffee Table, I’ll Screech Like A Girl At You About Not Leaving A Ring On It, And By The Way, I’m Out Of Socks, Honey Guy.

Alli: And IKEA Coffee Table Guy barely remembers that only two years earlier, he was There’s Only One Place To Sit In My Apartment And I Sit There Because It Faces The Playstation, So Make Yourself Comfortable On That Plastic Crate With The Folded Blanket On It Guy.

Regina: Oh, wait. Is he the same as Hey Why Don’t I Make You Dinner, Oh Wait The Only Things In The Fridge Are An Opened Can Of Schlitz And Half An Egg Roll That My Last Girlfriend Left Here When She Told Me To Go Fuck Myself, So Why Don’t We Just Run Down To Taco Burrito Palace #2 And Pick Up Some Nachos To Go Or Something Guy? Because he sounds vaguely familiar.

Sars: Yeah, that’s him. On Opposite Day he takes the guise of I Went To Italy On My Parents’ Credit Card For Two Weeks, And Now I’m A Fascist About Olive Oil And Can’t Consider Funyuns A “Valid” Snack, Even Ironically Guy.

Regina: Hee, Opposite Day.

Alli: Snacks are a double-edged sword, though. I’m not crazy about I Eat Circus Peanuts And Pez For Lunch Because It Gives Me A Sense Of Whimsy Guy either.

Sars: He’s eating circus peanuts. Nobody is excited about that guy except the Brach’s Corporation, and even they’re like, “We have to keep making these things? What is WITH That Guy?” On the other hand, he’s better than I Just Want To Be As Honest As I Can Guy.

Alli: Oh, but how can you be mad at him? He Just Wants To Be As Honest As He Can! It’s not his fault! Nothing is his fault! He’s just being honest! He’s just Every Dickhead Thing I Say Is Okay As Long As It Comes From The Heart Guy! Who, despite � or perhaps because of � his claims of straightforwardness, shares half his DNA with I Don’t Know Where You Got The Impression That I Really Liked You When All I Did Was Tell You I Really Liked You Guy.

Sars: And both of them are forms of I Don’t Know The Difference Between “Honesty” And “Tactlessness” Guy. Soul brothers of Don’t Fence Me In Guy and I Have To Be True To My Nature, Which Is A Lot Like James Dean Except I’m Not A Fag, Okay? Guy.

Alli: Not James Dean Guy shoots pool with Have You Ever Really Listened To Dennis Hopper? Because He Speaks All Kinds Of Truth Guy. And neither of them can shoot pool, like, at all.

Sars: Ah, yes. Roommates with You Can’t Go Home, You’re Such A Lightweight Guy.

Alli: Heh. I take it back. Not all your That Guys are the same guy.

Sars: No. Nor do they represent all guys.

Alli: Of course not. It’s mostly the ones who are totally not genuine. Or interesting.

Sars: Well, or who treat you like some kind of irrational swirl of nonsensical behaviors. Just don’t do that, That Guy.

Alli: And we’ll get along fine.

Sars: Well, mostly fine.

Alli: Usually fine.

Regina: But don’t feed me the half-eaten egg roll.

Alli: And step away from the cell phone headset.

Sars: And if you get salsa on your pants, IT’S FUNNY.