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I was originally going to put this in comments, but then I kind of went on, as I do, and it seemed better to just make an entry for it.
People brought up quirkyalone.net, and . . . to be perfectly honest with you, the Quirkyalone thing doesn't work for me either. That feels more defiant about being single than I feel. I'm not single on purpose. I'm not single because I find coupledom stifling (let alone "tyranny"), or because I am intentionally being very, very cautious, or because I'm any more "independent-thinking" than my friends who are married.
Look, I envy the people I know who are in good relationships. I envy them wildly at times, the same way I envy people who have really satisfying careers or beautiful children or the ability to say they have done something to help humanity. I gaze at good marriages with a lot of awe and admiration, and I absolutely want that for myself, and I'm not here to tell you "Fuck the couplearchy, I'll take a good book." There are people who believe that and feel that way, but for me, when I slide in that direction, it's because I'm sad.
I'm single because I haven't ever met a person I particularly wanted who particularly wanted me at the right time for it to work, where the logistics were favorable and everyone was single and the obstacles were manageable. That's what I think. It's . . . you know, it's not sorcery.
There are endlessly interesting things to say about single people and relationships and dating and gender differences and how people relate to each other, and I'm not in any way suggesting otherwise. What I'm saying is that a book that says that the entire history of failed relationships is the history of men who aren't "into" women and women who insist on believing they are is just . . . stupid. And simplistic and insulting. I know plenty of women whose biggest obstacle has been accepting the idea that anyone is "into" them, or at least really taking it into their hearts enough to not constantly scan the horizon for signs of trouble, as a result of which their relationships droop and die from the stress.
It's just . . . it's more complicated than this stupid caricature of women chasing men around with butterfly nets, trying to get that goddamn wedding ring before they get too old.
Among other things? The book isn't funny. Seriously. For a book by comedians, it's totally and completely devoid of wit. I think you can, as the comments on this entry, even, have suggested, approach this stuff without being so damn mean. There's such a thing as acknowledging the truth of some stereotypes in a sort of affectionate way.
For example, my marvelous friend FlyBoy once told me quite sincerely, "You have to understand that all guys secretly believe the song 'Desperado' was written about them." And whenever I think about that, I do laugh with a lot of love for all of the guys I've known and chased and been chased by, because . . . well, yeah, that's kind of true. And there's some truth to some of the ones about women, too, like the fact that we often (on the whole, on average, with plenty of exceptions) spend way too much time parsing what men are saying. (I used to occasionally ask my friend The Professor to take a shot at interpreting something a guy said to me, to which he almost always responded, "I guarantee you that just by asking me about it, you have thought about it more than he did when he said it.")
It just doesn't translate into anyone's singleness being a character flaw or the result of stupidity or the need to stop making "excuses." People are strange and wonderful and kind of baffling, and although they bug and frustrate and bore me and there's really only a small slice of them I'm ever going to really be able to relate to at the level of closeness everybody kind of craves, they're also sort of the only game in town. So what are you going to do?
Heh. I always thought 'Desperado' was written about me.
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at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]I'd never heard of this quirkyalone thing, so I went to check out the website. To be honest, it sounds like a bunch of facile pseudopsychology just like the Not Into You crap. Particularly annoying was the Quirkyalone: Yes or No? column - a list of celebrity names and a judgement about whether they are or not. Ben Affleck? No. Oprah? Of course! Umm, okay.
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]As the actual person for whom the song "Desperado" was written, I take exception to the generalization.
Other than that glaring error ... as always, your clarity and breadth of vision is so refreshing in a subject area clouded by dolts, charlatans, and outright liars. Reading your thoughts on this topic is like putting on a pair of glasses for the first time and going "Ohhhh .. I get it ..."
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]I certainly haven't read the book, but I always just thought it was a sad attempt of the writers to capitalize on something that was funny on SATC for 2 minutes - namely, berger giving this advice to Miranda when she was obsession.
Yeah, it worked for the "minute" that it was the topic of the show, but the writers thought that it somehow translated into a whole "life philosophy" (and, like I said, an attempt to further their meal ticket now that the show has ended - I'd call it a vain attempt, because it's somewhat pathetic, but since it's a bestseller, I guess they were right on *some* level - just not the one where the book is actually good).
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]Kind of weird to recognise a few of my inner ramblings expressed so coherently from the other side of the world. Top stuff.
There is too much angst caused as a result of half-assed doctoring from people who seem to think singleness is some kind of sickness. The kind of thought process that assumes that all married couples experience wedded bliss. Great for growing strawberries, somewhat less helpful for those of us not living with the magic frogs on Lollypop Lane.
It is complicated. It is hard work. It can be awful. It can be wonderful. There can be periods of joy, loneliness, heartache and intimacy. Single or married? True for both in my book.
My half-assed response?
- Even numbers can be inherently unhelpful in planning social occasions.
- Make the hard calls in conversations.
- Don't assume it's just me.
- While I may feel misunderstood, put down or stigmatised at times, this does not prevent me doing the same to someone else in other ways.
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]My best friend had recommended this book to me, and now that I read what you have so eloquently written I feel so relieved that I didn't go out and buy it! It's refreshing to know there are people out there who are able to articulate my feelings on being single, both good and bad. Thank you, Linda (Miss Alli) for speaking for us single girls who know they are not inadequate for being so! We should really go out for a cocktail sometime - tee hee!
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]I met someone recently who had read the book. First thing I asked her was, "Did you buy it for yourself?" Answer - "No, it was a gift." Wow, talk about your bad gift. It seems to me that books of these genres aren't being bought by their supposed target audience, but rather are being bought as gifts and then being forced upon their supposed target audience. Which, if so, just isn't nice.
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]As a happily married person, I have to say that the person or peoples running the QuirkyAlone site have got some strange ideas about marriage and couples. So do the HNTIY folks of course, but that's already been commented on.
Now, I love my husband very much, but you know, sometimes I am alone even when I'm with him. Not every moment is a breathless moment of romance. If my husband and I were to divorce, it would not "take my life away". The earth does not quake every moment we're together.
I was one of those people who never expected to get married and turned into a childbride. I met my husband when I wasn't looking for him. However, I'm pretty sure that if I had subscribed to the HNTIY philosophy and expected Hubby to chase after me, he would have bailed. Also, if I had gone the QuirkyAlone route and expected choirs of heavenly angels to sing when we met, I would have passed right by.
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
[ link ]Well, extremes are always bad, and the quirkyalone thing has gone a little far. But that first essay that I read in To-Do List magazine years ago, THAT was like a choir of heavenly angels.
I don't expect the heavens to break forth in song when the love of my life shows up, if he hasn't already. But if I have to pick a "philosophy" in this part of my life, I'd rather go with the one that tells me that being alone sometimes rocks hard.
But in the long run? It's all kind of a load of self helpy crap.
at 04:50 PM on 12.31.04
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