I'm not saying I suspect that the Gap has any sort of admirable record as a corporate citizen, but I absolutely cannot stand people like this. Ho-ho-ho, we took our clothes off. We are so very, very edgy. Read a book and get a job, ya bunch of hippies. (They just threw me out of the Oberlin Alumni Association.)

I keep forgetting to point out that for those of you who read the journal entry on the nature of happiness, you might find it interesting that I wrote that entry, went to leave my apartment, opened the door, and found my new Tubey baseball jersey, which made me giggle. Even more random good luck! And then when I went downstairs to open my mailbox, I was literally muttering out loud, "And then I went and found twenty dollars on the ground." And when I opened the mail, I had a check for a hundred bucks from Rent.com because I reported my lease to them and got my apartment through them. I had totally forgotten they were sending me money, so it was like a free hundred bucks. That was sort of a ridiculous day. It's sad they aren't all like that.

I love Jimmy Fallon, really I do. But his girlfriend looks like a dope.

I consider Minnie Driver one of those actresses who needs a good, strong script in order to be good (and not completely bug the hell out of me). Therefore, I'm not sure the blank check star vehicle idea is a very good one.

Danielle is utterly full of crap. She has apparently forgotten that not acting so obnoxious that people don't want you to win any money is part of the game, dammit. I hate Danielle.

I always find the Oberlin Security Notebook worth a chuckle. Eeeek! A preacher! Too much aerobics! And I'm glad to know college hasn't changed, since people are still stupid enough to spray paint a freezer. But since when does security respond to a "disagreement"? If there weren't drunk people or unlocked bicycles, I think Campus Security would have nothing to do.

It's an interesting prospect, telling parents who fall behind on child support that they can't have more kids. I think the question is whether there's a difference between saying something is a good idea and making it a condition of your probation. I tend to think there is.

It may not seem like it, but this story about auto manufacturers agreeing to give up the diagnostic codes to small repair shops is a huge, huge deal. Small shops have really been strapped in the last few years over their inability to crack the computers in cars -- it's great news. Score one for the vehicle owner.

I think the only question left is who will play this guy in the movie. That must have been quite heartwrenching when they sank the boat.

I haven't read this book on college admissions, but I'm going to. It looks completely fascinating to me. I went to a private prep school myself, and very stupidly didn't take a year off before college when I knew I should, which pretty much meant my first year of college was a total loss. The insanity of the admissions process consistently confounds me.

It's unusual for anyone to manage to post one of these "healthy eating" articles in which literally every single thing looks like it would be completely disgusting. It's like they're trying to make you order pizza.

You don't think it was a slow news day, do you? On the other hand, stupid birds are always in order.

I wish they would just run Randy Moss out of town already. This is like J.R. Rider all over again. Once an ass, always an ass, unfortunately. Sigh.

The most unromantic idea I've seen in quite some time? Emoticon flirting. Not that I'm on an anti-emoticon crusade or anything.

All right, this is my new coffeemaker. Why do I fuss over it so much? Because I made coffee at 5:00 this morning (don't ask), and didn't get to drink it all. Just now (7:00 PM), I emptied the thermal carafe. STILL. WARM. Not hot, but lukewarm. That's fourteen hours later, for those of you keeping score at home. My coffeemaker RULES. Buy one. Seriously.

She has a brain because she knew that Ted Williams was the baseball player whose heirs wanted to freeze his body? That's not having a brain. That's reading People regularly. She may be smart, and she may not be smart, but I think the one thing you can say for sure is that these questions certainly weren't designed to demonstrate who was and who wasn't.

I am so lined up for the DVD of Singin' In The Rain. Gene Kelly was the first celebrity crush I ever had that doesn't make me so ashamed that I want to join the Witness Protection Program. I mean, before that, it was pretty much Andy Gibb, Ricky Schroder, and Jack Wagner. Yes, Frisco Jones. Whom I saw in concert. Not once, but twice. It's not easy to admit these things, but at least we are all here together.

Don't miss Shack's new cheese entry. I share his aversion to certain things (mayonnaise in particular), but I can't say I have ever expressed it so eloquently. Or frighteningly. I can honestly say I have a better understanding of the oppression suffered by cheese-haters.

Conan did a great job, I thought. He was fun throughout, and occasionally killed, which is more than you can say for most award show hosts.

You know, good for Friends, but I seriously had to tune out after a while out of complete disgust at the kissing of Aaron Sorkin's ass. That show isn't worth a dime anymore, and the season finale -- which I recapped, thank you very much -- sucked so utterly that the very notion of its having garnered nominations made me laugh out loud. As usual, awards aren't really for the people who get them, but for the people who give them.

I hate this. Seriously, keep your eye on this. This guy wants to make it ILLEGAL within FIVE YEARS for anyone to broadcast a signal you can pick up with a TV that costs less than, like, five hundred dollars. This entire thing is a big fat scam, as far as I'm concerned. Weasels.

Just when you think you know how stupid people are, they come up with something stupider. Who jumps out of the stands to attack the first base coach, for God's sake? This column is admittedly slightly evil and occasionally in poor taste, but golly, it made me laugh.

Kim is back to take you through the new season of The Real World. Just when you think this show is as trashy as it's going to get, it gets trashier. I almost think they're doing the right thing in just giving up and turning into complete crap, since the spirit of the first two or three seasons is long dead.

I'm no "elite tastemaker," but when I imagine hell, it looks like this.

This man has done so much to make so many so happy. And so annoyed. My general feeling about emoticons is that every once in a very long while, they're useful. The rest of the time, they're flotsam. After all, I don't wink or say "Ho-ho-ho, just kidding!" every time I say anything sarcastic in conversation. Can you imagine if I did? It would take me even longer to say everything than it already does.

I'm not sure why, but I found this year's People "Best and Worst Dressed" issue much funnier than it's been in past years. I laughed out loud, repeatedly. Check out the online stuff, but pick up the hard copy mag -- it's well worth the price.

We rock. Bite me, Bud Selig.

If you watch The Amazing Race (and sucks for you, if you don't), you'll be happy to see that the season 3 web page is up. Unfortunately, much like Big Brother 3, there are far too many people who look like underwear models for my personal taste. A couple of eye candy teams is all I really think they need.

Support your local content site. Great places are hanging by threads as we speak. So if you like content sites, try to get over your hatred of ads, don't try to kill every ad they try to serve you, and work on getting accustomed to the fact that nothing is free. Really. Nothing is free. If you like a site, throw them some money in the way they ask -- buy something, subscribe, drop a tip in the tip jar -- whtaever makes it happen. Why? Because nothing is free.

In case beauty pageants weren't absurd enough already, wouldn't it be cool if they became the objects of endless, pointless litigation? There are at least five or six things about this story that are deeply, deeply wrong. And also funny.

It was a good match between Pete and Andre. Started out lame, but picked up. When Pete is on with the serve? There's just nothing you can do. And I admire Agassi so much for the line, "Pete just played a little too good for me today." How often do you get that straight-up of an analysis?

I should have a link for this, but really, I'm just commenting that if you watched the men's U.S. Open finals, you must tell me how you enjoyed Art Garfunkel and mini-Art. I have never seen a kid who looked so much like his father's ventriloquist's dummy in all my life. That was freaking hilarious. And his singing wasn't very satisfactory either. Art, if you're going to bring your kid? Your kid better be able to bring the music.

I used to write movie reviews for a site I maintained (they're gradually showing up here), and after I had been doing it for a while, I figured I'd join up with the Online Film Critics' Society, so I sent them an email. I never deluded myself that they were especially good, but I'd read some of the folks who were associated with this crowd, and I certainly didn't have any worries about not measuring up, if you get my drift, and I think you do.

I got a note back less than fifteen minutes later from this dork named Harvey, who told me that my site had been rated something like a twelve out of a hundred, and they were rejecting me. He gave my writing a 1 on a scale of 1 to 5, and told me I needed to use the word "the" less. I am not making this up. Thanks for the attention, Harvey! It wasn't the rejection that annoyed me (well, it was partly that, and partly the sucky quality of half the people in their cabal), it was that it took him fifteen minutes to give me a twelve. He read, I believe, about half of one review. He was also kind enough to suggest some sites I could visit to learn about writing. Thanks for the advice, Harvey!

I tell you this story because I recently came across these imbeciles again, and I couldn't resist poking them. By all means, go visit Harvey and read one of his brilliant reviews. You'll notice he gets about half the facts of the plot wrong, misspells some words, and basically sucks the bag. Thanks for everything, Harvey! I was taken in by these people instead. Imagine my relief.

Oh, the arrogance. Shut up, Barry Bonds.

Ha! Goes to show you what I know. I'm happy to see Pete and Andre play again . . . that is always worth watching, always.

A friend of mine pointed out the other day the appeal of a Pete-Andre final, but I fear it won't happen. Either one of them could get their butt kicked today, especially Andre.

If you read the baseball entry, you should take note that I wrote it while the Twins were breaking the A's winning streak, and finished it just as the game ended.

I haven't even seen this movie, and I still feel justified in asking what this person is smoking.

If you've been watching Big Brother at all, you have to go read this Roddy interview following his eviction. What a complete prick. I used to think the hating of him was somewhat overblown -- well, I still think that. But really, he comes across as a complete ass.

Holy blowout, Batman. Sampras-Roddick wasn't even sporting. I root for old Pete, aging hottie that he is, but that was ridiculous. Golly.

Aw. Go help Sars find Don.

Man, I knew somebody would give a bright guy a job. If you've been following the Shack unemployment saga, you know what good news this is. If you don't, go check it out. Shack is my classmate at TWoP -- we were hired at the same time, and he became a complete icon this summer writing the American Idol recaps. He's the bomb. And now, an employed bomb.

I know that this story isn't really funny. Fires are not funny. It's actually horribly, horribly sad. But the part about the cat? Funny.

For all of you who have heard the story recently of the duck coordinates in the bathroom of my new apartment, these are the ducks at issue. Although my shower curtain isn't that annoying -- I have a shower curtain with very, very subtle baby ducks on it. No, really.

I hate to tell this to "a Norwegian whaling expert," but convincing any public entity that it would be a good idea to Kill Willy was never going to happen. Generally, people in the public eye have enough problems without actually putting to death animals that have starred in children's movies.

I always knew romance would come to nothing good in the end.

Eeeeeeeee! I'm so happy it wasn't Justin.

This is Sars's follow-up, in a sense, to last year's riveting For Thou Art With Us. Also terrific.