A Little Light Evil

My friend Pool Boy and I chat about a variety of topics. Pop culture, the meaning of life, how much the Vikings suck . . . and occasionally, our plans to end the existence of mankind and rule the earth as evil overlords.

Alli: I'm having one of those days where I hate everyone.

PoolBoy: Me, too. I think it is time for us to enforce our will and rule the world with iron fists.

Alli: I'm thinking of taking some time off from work shortly, so we could take over then.

PoolBoy: We will base our operations from a crater that was once L.A., after we destroy it.

Alli: That will be awesome. Can we save me a nice place to live?

PoolBoy: Yes. A palatial estate where a sea of pikes fitted with the heads of those who have wronged us shall adorn our lawn.

Alli: But what will we do all day when we have destroyed everything?

PoolBoy: We will walk the ashes of the earth for all eternity, trodding on our enemies' graves. Hoo hoo, ha ha ha.

Alli: Cool! And you can tell me funny stories. Because I like funny stories. I think we should also have a boat.

PoolBoy: Okay we can have a boat, but you're interfering with my dark imagery here.

Alli: Well, it can be a really nasty, run-down boat. With lots of strapping boys to row for me. Whee!

PoolBoy: You're no evil despot. You and your pleasantries.

Alli: Oh, great. Now you're gonna vanquish me, too. I will go down with the rest of the world. Damn.

PoolBoy: Yep, you blew it.

Alli: I always knew that one day, I would be presented with an opportunity for greatness. And that I would mess it up.

PoolBoy: You and What's-His-Name will be the last to go, huddled in a corner somewhere, arm in arm, pleading for mercy.

Alli: Naked.

PoolBoy: Oh, that does it.

Alli: Okay, okay, we can get rid of everyone. Even all the cute boys.

PoolBoy: I am now going to keep one of your friends alive too, give What-His-Name to her, and make you watch their love for all eternity.

Alli: Wow, you are diabolical. You know, if you really think my approach isn't dark enough, we could just split the world. But I get Europe.

PoolBoy: There is no deal to be struck here. I am the overlord, and you my sometimes snarky sidekick. I was prepared to give you What's-His-Name and a boat, but you blew that deal.

Alli: Wait, wait, I was demoted? How did that happen?

PoolBoy: Like all good evil overlords, I plot even against my confederates.

Alli: I knew one day you would betray me.

PoolBoy: You were merely a pawn all along. I also need to get What's-Her-Name a nice outfit for my throne chamber.

Alli: Wait, wait, now how come you can have her, and when I wanted rowing boys, I wasn't dark enough? Hmmmm? Unfair.

PoolBoy: There is no fair, only my will. You should plan a rebellion. A secret plot to oust me.

Alli: Seriously, I think you know you have no chance against me.

PoolBoy: That's why I'm drawing you in, when in fact you will be the first to go.

Alli: But I will not be fooled.

PoolBoy: Hoo hoo, ha ha ha, you can never figure out the depths of my plot.

Alli: Or perhaps I have known all along, and have been allowing you to go forward, knowing I will spring my counter-plot when I am good and ready.

PoolBoy: Yeah, you've already got your warship full of sweaty dudes all ready to go.

Alli: You have NO IDEA how sneaky I am. You don't really think I'd be without a plan, do you? A plan more clever than yours? I always have a plan. Always. You should remember this. I am only telling you because I am at the bottom of a very large margarita. You should treasure this information.

PoolBoy: Telling me is all part of that plan, but you have anticipated that I would see that, so my seeing it is also part of the plan, but me realizing you would know this is also part of your plan, so I refuse to realize it. Thus foiling your plan. Unless your plan has anticipated my refusal . . . damn.

Alli: My plan anticipates everything. In fact, if you take out my plan documents, dated several years ago, the entry for today says, "Darkly allude to plan."

PoolBoy: Yes, I see that right here on the photocopy that I stole long ago.

Alli: You have the version with the phony ending.

PoolBoy: So you think.

Alli: Oh, and see where it says, "02/04/04: Call What's-Her-Name and advocate on behalf of Pool Boy"? I was going to do that, but now I'm not.

PoolBoy: She wouldn't be able to answer your call anyway, for reasons I shall not elaborate.

Alli: I actually already talked to her about you. She said you should stop calling. She thinks you're creepy.

PoolBoy: Of course she went along with you. I told her you were stalking me and we were in danger if she didn't pretend to believe you.

Alli: That's what I told her you would say.

PoolBoy: And I had previously informed her that you would try to sway her by intimating exactly that.

Alli: I actually run a secret web site where girls talk about how creepy you are. I'm not giving you the address, though.

PoolBoy: Nevertheless, the applications are coming in daily to be part of my overlord's harem. And I know all your fake names on those applications, by the way.

Alli: Little do you know that every girl you meet is doing research for me. I shall infiltrate your evil plot by whatever means necessary.

PoolBoy: They come in thinking they're doing research, but all it takes is one moment and they are mine. MINE.

Alli: Yeah, I tell them to act that way. I give them copies of the guidebook I wrote about how to manipulate you.

PoolBoy: They throw those away instantaneously, warmed by the truthful light that is me. They are powerless.

Alli: HELLO! Page 1 of the guidebook says, "Appear enthralled."

PoolBoy: Dammit.

Alli: They report back to me; I reinforce their resolve when they begin to falter.

PoolBoy: Why do you think they keep reporting back to you and telling you they're following your orders? None of them wants to lose the assignment.

Alli: Oh, fine, then, you win. I am but a mere sidekick. Court jester.

PoolBoy: Fine, since you give in, I give you What's-His-Name and your boat back.

Alli: Nah, if there's going to be an apocalypse, I don't want to have to take care of anyone. I'll just remain an old spinster.

PoolBoy: You will survive the PoolBoyPocalypse in comfort, I promise. If that doesn't work out, we can start a cobra farm in remote Thailand.

Alli: I'm in! I get the big hut for my office.

PoolBoy: Fair enough.

Alli: But you can hire all the secretaries.

PoolBoy: They must all be schooled in massage.

Alli: Hmm, I'm not sure this sounds fair anymore. What do I get?

PoolBoy: Adventure, cobra-wrangling, and a 10 percent cut.

Alli: Cheap-ass bastard. I'm suing you.

PoolBoy: I'll throw in What's-His-Name, too.

Alli: Well, like I said, he's really not smart enough to actually take anywhere.

PoolBoy: Just keep him grape-fed and lounging on palm fronds in your hut.

Alli: No, no, I would eventually want him to talk to me. What then?

PoolBoy: You would?

Alli: Well, that's my point. I wouldn't. And then it's just me and the cobras, because you're out getting a massage from the secretary. The whole thing is starting to sound a little dicey. I'm still actually pretty pissed about being demoted.

PoolBoy: I thought I reinstated you, kind of.

Alli: I'm not sure I like you having power to reinstate and demote. I'm uncomfortable with the emerging power dynamic.

PoolBoy: I'll keep you happy-- i wouldn't dare risk a coup.

Alli: What makes you think you can keep me happy?

PoolBoy: The closet full of high-powered sedatives I have.

Alli: So you're not planning on keeping me happy so much as placated. Or, actually, unconscious.

PoolBoy: Six of one...

Alli: Well, I decline the position, in that case. I will be starting a competing kingdom where I may be respected properly.

PoolBoy: We'll invade and conquer.

Alli: You're going to invade and conquer a place run by me? Not likely.

PoolBoy: I already have my insurgents in place.

Alli: And I have already identified them.

PoolBoy: All I have to do is send in What's-His-Name to spearhead the invasion and you'll topple right over. I'll let you be my top underling, though.

Alli: Wow, what an honor.

PoolBoy: I've even located the particular spot from which we will rule.

Alli: Well . . . okay. Is it nice?

PoolBoy: It's very nice. There are lots of local girls for me, and lots of tools and equipment so you can do the upkeep and so forth.

Alli: NOW YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO UPSET ME.

PoolBoy: Okay, okay. I'll give you a separate, private island.

Alli: Cool! That would be much better.

PoolBoy: In Antarctica.

Alli: You suck.

Posted by Alison-Jane at November 19, 2003 05:06 PM